There are many differences between the world of junior high/high school dating of the 80’s versus the 21st century. Some good, and some not so good, in this Gen X mom’s opinion. Let’s look at school dances: When I was in junior high school, my friends and I could hardly wait for the few school dances planned each year, even though I was awkward and had no idea how to relate to boys. I was a late bloomer and sheltered, compared to many of my cohorts, but I always hoped that would be the evening when my dreamy crush would finally notice me from across the gymnasium and realize I was the girl of his junior high dreams and he would ask me to dance (Cue the soundtrack to “Sixteen Candles”). This fantasy always ended with the boy becoming enchanted by my late-blooming, slightly dorky self, and then he would ask me to “go with him”, which was 1983 vernacular for dating. Every school dance ended the same way back in those days….with the classic Led Zeppelin musical masterpiece entitled “Stairway to Heaven”.
It was the perfect “last dance” song. At 8:01 minutes in length, it allowed you to be close to your dance partner for an extended time before saying goodnight, and it was the perfect blend of slow enough to “slow dance”, but Rock enough to be cool. While most school dances consisted of me hanging with my girls and whispering about the boys, I remember one in which a boy who I really liked finally asked me to dance during “Stairway to Heaven”. Fantasy and Reality had finally collided, and I did not know what to do! My stomach felt butterflies. I could barely breathe as we stood in the dance floor in typical 80’s slow dance posture. Soon after, he asked me to “go with him”, which I enthusiastically accepted, but quickly responded with “please don’t call me at home”! I was mortified about my loving, but strict parents finding out I had a boyfriend. This relationship with my “first boyfriend” only lasted a few weeks. I was just not mature enough to handle the pressure of someone else needing something from me. I have never forgotten that young man, however. The thrill of those firsts never goes away.
Flash forward to school dances in the 2000’s: Although I have personally never attended a school dance in the 21st century, I have two daughters who have, and from what they tell me, dances are a whole new world. In the 80’s we would have at least a few slow dances to choose from (“Open Arms by Journey, and the aforementioned “Stairway to Heaven”), interspersed with some Van Halen, Clash, Duran Duran and an old classic like “Louie,Louie”. I am told it is very rare to have a slow dance in today’s world of school dances. My girls tell me that most of the music played at your average public high school dances is Rap/Hip Hop, and the style of dancing would be your basic “grinding” or, as a reference for my other 80’s ladies, “Dirty Dancing” (someone please tell me I’m not the only one who watched that at the movie theatre more than once in 1987). Apparently it is quite common and widely accepted for girls to arrive without dates, and for boys to come up behind them and begin “grinding”. If a girl allows it, then it’s all good, but if she isn’t interested, she can say as much and walk away. From what I hear, the days of a boy coming up to a girl and asking her to dance are over. Instead, they seem to sidle up behind the girl of their choice and let the grinding make the introductions.
I know I am an old-fashioned romantic, but the thought of this interaction makes me a little sad. Yes, it’s just a school dance, but the human behavior geek in me believes it is a sign of the times we live in. Culturally we have moved away from interpersonal communications of all types. Let’s take land lines for an example. I remember the days of calling a friend and speaking with their mom or dad when they answered the phone. I would actually have to have a polite conversation with them before I asked to speak to their daughter or son. Fast forward to 2020 and my daughters express anxiety every time they have to pick up the phone and actually speak to someone. I make them do it, but they hate me for it. If we choose, we rarely have to even talk to anyone anymore. Sometimes even I consider this a positive change;I love to solve customer service issues via online chat rather than wait on eternal hold. However, communicating with cell phones and texting has morphed into apps like Snapchat that only require you to snap a photo of half your face and type a sentence or two. This is currently how young people begin the dance of dating. The irony is that when the younger generations do begin dating, they say they are “talking to someone”. But from what I can see, there isn’t much actual talking going on. We don’t even have talk to people at the grocery check out line anymore, as we can now scan our own groceries, that we have selected while we shop with our ear phones in place, further isolating ourselves from the world around us. I can’t help but wonder how this is affecting our interpersonal skills. What will this look like? How will couples of the future relate to each other? Will they even know how?
So it brings me back to the “slow dance”. What was once a face-to-face interaction, which was both frightening and thrilling at the same time, has been replaced with a type of dancing which simulates intimacy but requires none. I can’t help but wonder if many of our interactions of this day and age are doing the same…simulating intimacy but requiring none.
As for me, I am doing my part to teach my high schooler. My husband and I drove her and a girlfriend to a dance last Spring, and played “Stairway to Heaven” for them during the car ride over. I reminisced about middle school dances, and they became bored about half way through the 8 minute song, but at least I tried. On a brighter note, I hear that swing dancing is making a come-back on college campuses…maybe there is hope after all.